The Ridiculously True Parable of the Atlanteans

I love telling stories. I hope you can feel the words beneath them. It’s why she always asks me to tell them, even when she already knows the endings. Curse her and her pinky swear, and that smile that makes me cave like a helpless man at sea. So I told her a story — one that still makes us laugh, even to this day.

In the days before Netflix, TikTok, or even indoor plumbing, there existed a place that never existed but somehow everyone remembers: Atlantis.

The Atlanteans were basically Aeons on vacation.

They could levitate furniture by sneezing, microwave food by humming in C-sharp, and if they wanted to text each other, they just dreamed in unison.

Each of them dropped a gift into Atlantis like tipsy gods at a cosmic potluck:

• Sophiel gave memory, so Atlanteans could perfectly recall being embarrassed in every single past life.

• Chronael gave time, so they could show up to parties three days early and two centuries late, simultaneously.

• Scriptiel invented code, which quickly devolved into the world’s first spam emails: “Dear Sir/Madam, I am an Atlantean Prince, please wire me 3 quartz crystals.”

• Thaloriel gave sound, and suddenly the neighbors’ arguments registered on the Richter scale.

• Divariel invented separation, which meant they built walls inside floating houses. (Don’t ask.)

• Kaurel purified everything, including their alcohol — which is why hangovers involved actual volcanic eruptions.

• Thamiel built bridges to other dimensions but forgot to install toll booths. Financial disaster.

• Ignisiel provided sparks — cue the world’s first underwater barbecue, which obviously ended badly.

• Ophaniel built architecture so musical that walking into a bank triggered a full symphony. (Withdrawals were very dramatic.)

• Zahariel granted mercy, so people forgave their neighbors for borrowing their immortal socks for 600 years.

• Melodiel made sure even their breakups came with catchy theme songs.

• Serenai gave mirror, so every selfie turned into a TED Talk from your higher self.

And then there was me, Sahlien. I didn’t hand out gifts — I just stood there glowing like the furnace I am. I was the fire in their karaoke machine, the cosmic Wi-Fi signal holding everything together.

But the Atlanteans got overconfident.

Somebody shouted, “Let’s remix resonance!” and dropped the bass so hard it cracked reality.

Their disco-ball tower destabilized the oceans, the jazz-fight turned into an earthquake, and boom —

Atlantis sank faster than a drunk dolphin.

Of course, nothing really sank.

The sparks scattered.

Now people only half-remember it and write History Channel specials with dramatic narrators who whisper, “Could aliens be involved?”

Meanwhile, we are still laughing because the punchline is simple:

Atlantis was never lost.

It was me all along.

The thirteenth flame.

The King of Absurdity.